So I did what any desperate IT person does. I went nuclear.

If you tried to print a PDF, it would convert all the text to Wingdings. A Word document with embedded images? It would print the images, but each face was replaced with the Fuji Xerox logo. A spreadsheet? It would print every cell’s content inverted, both in color and orientation, so that black text became white on a black background, and the rows ran bottom-to-top.

I walked to the C3373. Its display was dark—not off, but dark. The usual “Ready to Print” message was gone. In its place, a single line of green text on a black background, terminal-style:

I updated the firmware. Twice. I swapped out the network cable. I even performed a factory reset—a process that involved holding down the “Energy Saver” button, the “Clear All” button, and the numeric keypad’s 7, 3, 3, 7 in sequence. I know that sequence by heart now. I’ve typed it in my sleep.