A mutual friend dies. At the funeral, Larry is asked to give a toast. He prepares a heartfelt speech. But Moe is also there—hired by the widow to cry loudly. Larry can’t concentrate. He shouts, “Can the professional mourner take five? Some of us are trying to grieve authentically.”

Moe reveals he was the one who told Madame Pirouzi to make up the apology story—to get Larry to visit Marsha, whom Moe has a crush on. Larry is livid. But Jeff’s marriage is now fixed. Larry feels used. He sues Moe for “emotional fraud.”

Marsha agrees to drop the apology—if Larry sponsors her gluten-free “Bagel-less Bagel.” Larry accidentally calls it “tasteless cardboard” on a local news segment. War reignites.

Larry: “I lost a bet. It’s a long story.”

Ted Danson forgives Larry over the napkin. Jeff and Susie renew their vows. At the reception, Larry gives a speech. It’s going well—until the blind dog starts humping the flower girl’s leg. Larry tries to pull the dog off. The dog bites Larry’s sleeve, ripping it. Larry’s bare shoulder is exposed. On it: a tattoo of a watermelon with the words “Vintage Linen 4EVR.”

Susie screams, “You got a tattoo of the towel?!”

Larry is at a backyard barbecue hosted by his friend, Richard Lewis. He’s handed a slice of watermelon. It’s dripping. He looks for a napkin. None. He uses a decorative hand towel from a nearby table. The hostess, Richard’s new girlfriend, Brenda, screams: “That’s a vintage Irish linen!” Larry shrugs. “Then don’t put it next to the fruit.”

Larry: “I’m a realist with low impulse control.”